Headline News: My Heart-aches in Nashville and Home
I was sad to leave Nashville, friends and Complicated Guy. But it was time for me to go home.
I’ve been home for a few days now. And let me tell you, it is good to be home. Although it is also hard at the same time. There are so many changes here. Seeing the “For Sale” sign in my front yard, my dad buying his new condo (which he is “dying” to show me). And my parents, whose divorce will be final in a little over a month. There are many changes at home.
Before I left Nashville I spent this past weekend with Complicated Guy.
6/20/2011 Friday night:
One week after Complicated Guy’s Graduation and since his parents left.
Friday I spent most of my day organizing my room, cleaning, and collecting the items I wanted to take home.
The last time I saw Complicated Guy was on Wednesday night when we met up for a drink at the local bar. Tonight we had planned a date. Dinner and a movie. He picked me up promptly at 8 o clock, then we headed to a nice restaurant near the movie theatre. We were having a great time, chatting away when the topic of assertiveness came up. I said, “In business it is always good to be assertive, however some managers are too assertive, they overstep their bounds.”He said, “I agree.” Then I said,”Say two people were in your way. You don’t want to be that rude annoying person, but you do want them to move. I would politely, yet clearly say excuse me. Polite and gets the point across. I don’t know if you’d say the same. You would just wait. You’re more of a timid person.” That was where I went too far. Note to Self: NEVER, NEVER, directly insult a males ego, especially sensitive males. (which is basically ALL men). He was annoyed. He started questioning me, “What do you mean by that? Why do you think I’m timid? etc.etc. etc.” Making that one statement began an interrogation.
About twenty minutes later, after we paid our bill and were walking over to the movie theatre, he began again. Finally I said,”I said I’m sorry, but if you can’t get over this, I am not going to see this movie with you.” He then apologized and said,”I’m sorry, I just hope thats not what you really think of me.” I said, “I don’t.” Then we hugged. And continued to walk to the theatre. Hugs always make things better.
After the movie we decided to pick up some Ben&Jerry’s ice cream and some beer at the local market. We went back to his place, relaxed, ate ice cream and enjoyed the rest of the night.
Saturday morning. I love Saturdays when you stay in bed all day. (And thats exactly what we did). Complicated Guy and I lyed in bed until 1 o clock when my girlfriend called and asked, “Are we still on for breakfast?” I didn’t want to say no because I already cancelled the last two Saturdays. I said, “Sure, pick you up in an hour.” An hour of course turned into almost two by the time we arrived. (Its hard to get out of bed).
Saturday was very fun. After breakfast I drove my girlfriend to Walgreens, then to Walmart to find her a shower curtain. (Can’t beat walking around Walmart when you feel like doing something but nothing). After shopping we stopped to get a coffee and since we were nearby we headed to Complicated Guy and I’s favorite park. We drove all the way up to the top and parked my car where you can see an overview of the city.
We drove around the park for about two hours then decided to head back in the city and get dinner. We picked up a pizza and beer (best college meal ever, high in everything but nutrition) and brought it back to my girlfriends apartment.
Overall it was a nice, enjoyable day but I was frustrated because Saturday was the day I was going to record the rough recordings of my songs. Now, it was almost 9 o clock. The day was practically over. And all of us were tired. Complicated Guy told me he would assist me on recording them, so I thought, okay, tomorrow afternoon I can record, no worries.
Soon after Complicated Guy and I left, returned to his place where we poured ourselves two night caps, and watched a few episodes of I Love Lucy (my idea and against his will)
Sunday. The next morning Complicated Guy and I planned to wake up early since Taxi Driver was playing at noon at the movie theatre. We woke up around 10 o clock and drove to one of our favorite coffee shops. We sat outside, enjoyed the sunshine and company of the locals and then took off for the movie. Everything was going well, until, he made a thoughtless comment. We were almost at the theatre, when he said,”I bet the people at the coffee shop thought we were dating. I guess thats okay. I know were not so it doesn’t matter. I can’t date you.”
Although it is evident that we are not dating, it was a still a blow to my heart. A slap in my face. A harsh reminder of reality. Yes, we are not dating, please remind me that a person who I care for, and get along with so well, a person whose apartment I slept at last night…Did I hear you correctly? We are not dating. I answered, “Yes that’s true, we are not dating. But why say it? Should we be dating? We act like it.” He answered, “I know, I’m sorry. I should’t of said anything.” I said, “Well its clear that you couldn’t stand dating me again.” He only could apologize, which made me even more infuriated. I said, “I don’t even know if I want to go to this movie with you.” Silence… Then, I said, “Well you prepaid for the tickets, let’s just go.”
After the film, the tension between us had gone away and we seemed okay. We drove back to his apartment and once inside were joking and laughing again. While I was packing up the rest of my things from the day before he sat on the bed and said, “Come here.” I said, “Alright in a second.” Then he said, “Please come here, we should talk.” (Those are words you never want to here). I walked over to him and lyed on his bed. He said, “I am sorry about earlier. ” I answered, “Its okay.” He said, “I am sorry, I keep hurting you and I don’t want too.” I said, “I know.” He said, “That is why, we need space. When you go home we shouldn’t talk.” I said, ” I was thinking the same thing. I need my space and you need yours.” He said,” I know I put you through so much pain. I don’t mean to. I was just never sure about you. I’m sorry.” At that moment I could’t help but break down in tears. Slowly one tear falling after another. He said,”Its okay, we’re going to be okay.” The only words I could muster were, “I know, I know.” After a long pause, I asked him, “You don’t think about growing old with me?” And he said, “I don’t want to grow old with you if I can’t give you what you need.” I had no response.
Suddenly all I could think about was recording my songs. I still have not done that and I was flying home that night. My time was running out. I became so frustrated and mad at him and myself. I needed to hurry up if I wanted to finish recording my songs, pack and grab a bite to eat before Complicated Guy drove me to the airport. In anger I shoved him away from me and yelled, “Nothing is getting done. I need to record my songs!” He just looked at me and said,”FIne.” I could tell he was hurt. But I didn’t care.
We both walked to his car and drove back to my place without saying a word. We arrived at my place he set up the recording equipment while I packed, I recorded the songs, and folded my laundry. I finished everything I wanted to get done before leaving.
However, Complicated Guy and I were still upset with each other. And the last thing I wanted to do was leave when we were both so angry.
I put my bags in the car and just wanted to take a drive and eat something. I was starving! After all, we both hadn’t eaten since 11 o clock in the morning.
As he drove me to the airport I hated the way I felt. I didn’t want to be angry with him anymore and I knew he was still angry with me. I couldn’t leave like this. I hated to leave angry. I would be gone awhile. I began feeling anxious. I said, “Maybe I shouldn’t leave? I feel anxious. I can’t be on a plane like this.” Complicated Guy said,”You are just upset. You will feel better when you go home.” I began thinking about home. Home. I will not feel better when I go home. Everything is different. My dad has a new condo. The divorce. I told him, “Nothing in my life is stable. Not even me. I can’t do this. I don’t want to leave today.” Shortly after I called my mom and then Southwest. I told my mom, “I can’t fly back today. It’s too soon. I haven’t finished everything I needed to do.” That was not true, in fact, I was ready to leave. But I wasn’t ready. My mom understood and gave me the information to change my flight. I rescheduled it for Monday morning.
I hung up the phone with the Southwest representative and a minute later began feeling really anxious, restless and nervous. Suddenly I felt like I couldn’t breath. I was freaking out! I couldn’t catch my breath. It felt like I was trying to breath but no air was entering my lungs. I was having a panic attack. Complicated Guy pulled the car over and held me close. He kept saying, “It’s okay, you are just very upset right now. You’ll be alright.” I was very upset. I just couldn’t take the world on my shoulders anymore. I needed to let go of all my fears and anxieties.
About twenty minutes later I got ahold myself and Complicated Guy asked,”Would you like to get dinner.” I said, “Yes, that would be nice.” We decided on Thai and brought it back to my place. However, since I was planning on flying home that night, Complicated Guy made plans with his buddies. As we drove to my place, I told him, “I don’t want to be alone tonight.” I still felt shaky from earlier. He didn’t say anything. As we pulled up to my place, parked his car and said, “I can’t do this.” I barely had time to say anything while he was pulling my suitcase out of his trunk and said,”I will pick you up in the morning.” I said, “Wait, why?” But he just looked at me, got into his car and drove away. He drove ten feet up the street, slammed on his breaks, then continued on to his apartment. Meanwhile I just stood there on the side of the road. As he turned the corner I rolled me and my suitcase back into my house.
I couldn’t have opened the door at a worse time. Both my roommates were in the hallway and began asking me, “Weren’t you flying home tonight? Why are you back? I said,”I changed it for tomorrow, some things I need to finish.” Then they asked,”How can you do that? You just changed it like that? Didn’t you get charged?” I bluntly answered,”No.” Then quickly walked inside my room and closed the door.
I sat down at my desk and turned my T.V. on. I tried to distract myself. But I still felt restless and anxious. I didn’t want to be at my house. I couldn’t just sit in my room. I thought about calling one of my girlfriends but I didn’t feel like explaining what happened and going through the whole thing again.
I grabbed my bag and ran out the door. I didn’t know what I was doing or why, but I drove to Complicated Guy’s apartment. (I know what you’re thinking, How thick am I?) It was the last place I should of gone but I wanted to go somewhere and he was the first person I wanted to run to. I pulled up to his place, ran to his door and knocked-loudly. He answered right away and said,”Hey.” I said, “I don’t know why I came. This has nothing to do with us but I’m not okay right now.” He pulled me in close and said, “I know. I’m sorry I drove off on you. I feel bad I did that.” He hugged me for a while then invited me inside.
That night we watched a few more episodes of I Love Lucy and called it a night. We were both tired from the weekend and each other.
Monday is always manic. We woke up late and had to rush to the airport. We arrived at the airport with just enough time for me to run to catch my flight. He pulled my suitcase out of his trunk and we said our goodbyes. We stared at each other then we embraced for a long while. He said,”I’ll see you around.” I said,”I’ll see you.” I kissed him one last time and said, “I’ll miss you.” He answered, “I’ll miss you too.” Then we hugged one last time and I ran inside.
Now, I am back home and focusing my attention on myself. (Much needed attention). I need to work on my songs. I recently enrolled in a Spanish class. I also am spending a lot of time with friends and family. Who knows what could happen or who else I could meet while I am home for part of the summer.
As for Complicated Guy and me…At the present moment all I can say is, Its complicated.